Why hair metal rules

Hair metal is a much maligned genre. The bastard child of heavy metal and pop music (with a good measure of 70s punk and glam rock as well), the music style is disowned by either parent. Traditional metal fans conted that hair metal is not real metal, so the story goes, because hair metal is about parties and cars and girls and having a good time, and it's always wrapped up in an incredibly catchy chorus. Which brings me to my first reason why hair metal rules and why you need to listen to it:

1. Hair metal is about parties and cars and girls and having a good time, and it's always wrapped up in an incredibly catchy chorus

Isn't that enough reason to listen to anything? I mean, it's all well and good to listen to songs about killing zombies with chainsaws over blast-beat drumming and guttural vocals.. but sometimes it's cool just to rock out to something that's fun and has a catchy hook. Of course, a committed metal fan might just counter that this makes the genre nothing more than a form of pop, but the pop music fan won't have a bar of this. The pop fan, faced with the average hair metal song, would complain that the whole thing is ruined when the guitarists play ridiculously fast solos and the singers scream some impossibly high notes. Which brings me to the second reason why hair metal rules and why you need to listen to it..

2. The guitarists play ridiculously fast solos and the singers scream some impossibly high notes

Some of the most spectacular performances in the history of recorded music can be found on hair metal albums. For guitar solos the genre is unparalelled for virtuoso performers - George Lynch, Eddie Van Halen, Warren Demartini, Jake E Lee, Steve Vai, John Sykes are among the best practitioners of the electric guitar in the history of the instrument. And in contrast to what you hear in other styles known for virtuoso performances, these guys all played to the song and could keep their parts simple when that was what was required. Some of the coolest and most recognisable singing voices are in the era too - singers like Axl Rose, Vince Neil, Jon Bon Jovi, David Coverdale and Doro Pesch. Of course, all that isn't worth a dime without a rhythm section that's damn tight and can lay down a killer groove.

3. The rhythm sections were damn tight and could lay down some killer grooves

Bands like Ratt and Motley Crue were great live bands first and foremost, and what the drummers lacked in flashy and complicated polyrhythms and obscure time signatures, they more than made up for with general ass-kickingness. The bass players keep it lean and mean too.. if you listen to bands like Skid Row or Guns N Roses you can hear some of the sleaziest grooves in rock n roll. It's so awesome, you really gotta start to wonder what sort of person wouldn't be into it.

4. Take a good look at people who DON'T like hair metal

You know the type.. you see them around the place: sometimes you can spot them by their novelty facial hair and the cardigan they bought at the thrift store; sometimes they are more camoflauged, and could pass amongst us as normal human beings, until you hear them speak sneeringly about how much more their opinion is worth because they listen to some obscure acoustic singer-songwriter from the 1960s, and how they only eat organic berries. Do you really want to be that guy? The choice is yours.

This hub is kinda tongue-in-cheek.  I do really love '80s hair metal, but I don't think that not liking it automatically makes you a pretentious know-it-all.  I think most of you would probably understand that just from how I write - those of you who don't may want to read item 4 a few more times :)